Attempting to Get Back to SOME Normalcy...

Things are starting to settle down and I am attempting to get back to our routine... We started with our schooling this morning... It's hard to get back after a break, but we had no choice...

I am SO thankful for all the prayers that were offered up during my pregnancy, as it seems that God has answered with an ABUNDANCE of graces, from pregnancy, to birth to my beautiful son! I have to say that this was probably my most physically UN-eventful pregnancy of all. Except for the morning sickness, which seemed to last only the first 3 or 4 months, as opposed to it lasting throughout, as in previous pregnancies... I really managed quite well. My blood pressure was NEVER an issue, despite my history of hyper tension and developing preclampsia. I went in to deliver 15 lbs. LIGHTER than when I delivered my previous baby... and it was only in the final 3 weeks or so before I delivered that the weight shift on my body REALLY began to affect me and became more and more uncomfortable... but then, what mother-to-be in her 36+ week of pregnancy IS comfortable?? : )

After only two nights in the hospital (with EXCELLENT nurses, I might add...) Sam and I were ready to go home. And SO FAR, Sam seems to be the "Mellow-Jello" baby that the Nurse Practitioner deemed him to be... Contrary to the doctor's and specialists "predictions" because of my (ahem) age... Sam entered this world at a happy and healthy 8 lbs. 12 oz. All his fingers and toes and every bit as beautifully perfect as my previous 4 babies... VERY attentive to his surroundings, and will lie awake looking around for up to 45 minutes to an hour a couple of times a a day! And he is sleeping REALLY well at night, which makes mommy EXTREMELY happy! I figure since I was already getting up 3 or more times a night to use the bathroom, getting up around 2:30am to feed him and then not again until 7:30am or sometimes later, is GRAVY! And getting my body back, a little more each day, isn't bad, either! I'm already down about 25 lbs. since surgery... God is GOOD... and I am grateful to the many friends, family and readers that helped pray us through... Thank you, again! We were able to SEE God's wonderful plan unfold before us when we were still afraid and unsure...

So, without further ado... here are a few pics of our newest member making the rounds in his "mellow-jello" way... : ) Before long we will have a date set for his baptism...

A Change in Plans...

So, as it happens, I go in to see my doctor today, one last visit before surgery next Friday the 7th. I had told him that I really wasn't having a good day. I just wasn't feeling very good, it had been a crazy week, my brother in law was in the hospital and I was pretty much just "spinning"... My contractions were increasing, but nothing that had my body doing anything... Sam is still locked up tight...

After examining me, weight was the same, BP was 128/72, no protein, etc... he told me that he wanted to see what he could do about delivering earlier... though the problem was he was going to be gone out of town until Wednesday next week. I thought "well, I'm already scheduled for Friday, what difference would one or two days make?..." Anyway, he said he wanted to check and left me to get dressed. While he was gone I said a prayer, telling God, "You know what is going on with my family right now. You know what is best... You know I want to be available for my sister and nephew when I am needed most... Your will be done..."

About 2 minutes later the doctor popped back in and said, "How about tomorrow at 3:30?"

Wow... Sometimes God answers prayers VERY swiftly and still, quite unexpectedly... So, after a couple of phone calls, it was decided that we would go ahead and do this... My brother in law is fading... right now my sister is focused on her husband and his needs... and I'm thinking that this way I will be there for my sis and nephew when and if they need me most... It may all be just another product of God's perfect timing... from death into life...

So, I'll be off for a little bit, but please keep us all in prayer... for my brother in law to have a peaceful and happy passing from this life to the next, for my sister and her son to be surrounded with love and grace to sustain them through this dark time... and for a safe and happy surgery and delivery for myself and Sam... Thanks!

November 7...

I can't see my toes... But 3 days after the election, 2 days after my 20th wedding anniversary, that's Sam's BIG arrival day. November 7, 2008 at 12:30 pm surgery is scheduled. Given my current state of discomfort I was really hoping that it would be sooner, but I trust that this is all part of God's plan and in His capable hands... All is offered up for my friends and family in need, though... I still have SO MUCH to be thankful for...

I went in to the doctor Monday morning only to be delayed by a his being called next door for an unexpected early delivery. After waiting about an hour and a half after my scheduled appointment I was told the doctor was in with the girl just before me, when a few minutes later I was again told that he was now called out for an emergency c-section... So... after remembering to say a prayer for the mom and baby in crises, I went home and returned later in the afternoon... long day... but when I finally saw my doctor he referred to me as his "Mystery-Miracle Lady"... the one that was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and blood pressure issues, but my last blood test showed my sugar levels to be better and my blood pressure was still 178/80. : ) go figure...

So, other than the increasing back pain, and trouble getting around, everything seems to be going fine. He still wasn't sure how big the baby might be. He said it was "hard to tell" with me, whatever that means... but, I really don't want to pay for another ultra sound (20%) just to see how big.... so, I guess we'll all just have to "wonder" until Sam arrives... my biggest delivery was at 40 weeks and he was 8 lbs.

So, short of a miraculous, spontaneous labor, or emergency (Please, God, no...) I will continue to finish up my "nesting" here at home and wait the next couple of weeks out. With my brother-in-law still in the hospital and little Dylan's new diagnosis, I have plenty to offer up for... thank you all for your continued prayers...

Mom's are for crying on...

When any of my little ones (or the big ones...) are sad, or upset, crying... the one they inevitably go to is me... While I admit that it isn't always at the most convenient times for me... (Like at 2 o'clock in the morning and they've had a bad dream, or can't sleep, or sick or achy, whatever... the "mom-gene" inevitably kicks in and goes to "comfort mode". Nothing seems to soothe a fretting spirit like a hug and the listening ear of mom...

Today, it was MY turn... It was a long and restless night. Mind you, at 8 1/2 months pregnant, even rolling over in bed becomes a MONUMENTAL task... on top of that, there is the 2-4 times that i get up to use the bathroom, and last night it was combined with the baby waking 3 different times, whining and whimpering.. not sure if she got too hot, and then too cold, or what... and then #2 coming crying in to my room in between. The nights turned cold a couple of nights ago, so he went to bed in his "zipper jammies", got too hot, so he took them off. THEN he got too cold and couldn't find them again in the dark.... and his legs were cramping.... *sigh* and then Hubby was fighting some sinus issues and was snoring more than usual... WHY do these things have to happen on Saturday night, when we get up to go to early Mass on Sunday?... As it turned out, everyone had FINALLY settled down and was hard at sleep by the time we were supposed to be getting up... I couldn't wake them, or me, for that matter... We decided that we would wait and go to evening Mass.

After some sleep and breakfast Hubby started on his "kitchen renovations" and I headed for the boys room to get some work done and finish getting it cleaned up and out. Trying to get a "jump start" on my sisters' big "help out" next weekend... My Mom called late in the afternoon to hear how I was doing and I broke down... I'm so tired, and so ready for this baby to come, yet so NOT ready... my house is just NOT ready... there is so much more that needs to be done, that I would like to be done, and I'm just not getting around like I would like to... and the kids, well, the kids haven't been as "helpful" as I wish they would be... and I'm just tired of trying to get them to help... seems like I go from encouraging, to rewarding, to asking, to insisting, repeating, growing frustrated, angry, snappy, to all out mean... I just want to get this done and they just don't really "get" that I feel like I'm running out of time!!! ready or not THIS BABY IS COMING!!

Mom listened... Mom supported... Mom let me cry... sometimes, that's all that is really needed to help me suck it up and move on... it works for my kids most of the time, too...

Another Day, Another Doctor...

So, I returned to see my Doctors "associate" this morning since my doctor is out on vacation until the 20th. Unfortunately, I'm four weeks from my due date and my blood pressure was a little higher than it had been... Not horrible - 140/80 - but higher than it had been... my husband is sure that my stressing over the unresolved billing and insurance issue was at least partly to blame... could be... All the same, even though my urine was fine and clear of any protein, he had me do a baby monitor check for 20 minutes, where they wrapped my tummy with the elastic bands and monitors and listened to Sam swim around for a few laps : ) He was great! Then I had to bring home a BIG empty bottle to collect 24 hours worth of urine... fun-fun... Everyone at the doctors office seemed anxious, like I was just about "ripe", but I feel like I am SO NOT ready... I think I'm still in denial... Can't believe that I will have another little tiny one to hold... I am supposed to go back next Wednesday to get the results of the urine testing, check my blood pressure again and see the nurse practitioner (my doctor will still be out...) and then I see my doctor again on the 20th. They keep telling me that "39 weeks" is the "recommended" time to have a c-section for the sake of the baby, but I guess we'll see where my BP is going and how long it lasts... My second baby is the only one that was born on his due date. The other three were 2-3 weeks early each, and all were quite healthy...

The best news is my sisters and nieces are gathering to help me out NEXT Saturday to finish all the details here around the house to make room for Sam. clearing and cleaning out rooms, installing bunk beds and hopefully having at least a week to get the baby to stay in a room with her big sissy at night. This will probably "hurt" the most, as she is quite the "mommy's girl" and we still have our little "bonding" time at bedtime, where she snuggles with me in my bed until she falls asleep, then I put her in her crib. I've never had two babies so close in age.... She just turned 2 only a few weeks ago... *sigh* We'll be fine, I know... Each baby went through a period of where they had their way of "protesting" the new addition, making Daddy the "favorite" from "that trader mommy who is spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME with 'that' baby..." ; ] My oldest has already claimed that HE will be the "baby hog"... hhhmmm... well, #4 may have something to say about THAT, too... As far as SHE'S concerned SHE'S "queen bee" of his life! lol!

Down to the Last Few Weeks....

Have you ever woke in the middle of the night suddenly remembering something you forgot?.... That happened to me at about 4:30 this morning. It suddenly popped in my head that I am almost 34 weeks pregnant and I completely forgot about my rhogam shot. Rhogam is a shot that women who are Rh-negative are supposed to get during their 26-28 week appointment. Oops...

So, I called my doctor's office first thing this morning and made arrangements to run down there when my husband was home for lunch and get it done. They didn't seem too concerned about it being so late... I don't really know WHAT the difference is... The nurse did tell me when i got there that my last blood test seemed okay and that there was no concern with any blood problems with the baby and I, and went ahead and gave me the injection. My understanding was that THIS shot would protect the baby in any possible FUTURE pregnancies, but now I'm not sure. Maybe it's for now and then... At any rate, it's done, now...

The last minute injection and run down to the doctors office really hit me, though, that I am ALREADY winding down to the end of this pregnancy. Despite all the frustration with specialists and insurance I really do feel pretty good. And comparatively, I think I'm doing better, health wise, than I have in any previous pregnancy. I think that THAT is a direct answer to prayer... Honestly, I have been sleeping well, despite the 2-3 times a night that I have to get up to use the bathroom : ) and despite my "torpedo" tummy, I am still able to get around pretty good, as long as i don't have to bend over, which absolutely takes my breath away!

The nurse told me that because I'm down to my last few weeks of this pregnancy she wanted me to make another appointment BEFORE the 20th, just to check and make sure everything is still going smoothly. So! Even though my doctor will be gone on vacation, I will have a visit with his office partner on the 10th and then keep my appointment to meet with my regular doctor on the 20th when he returns. It just really hit me that I really am getting close... I have so much still to do! As far as rearranging and making room in this house for a new wee one... I have a long "to do" list for tomorrow, that will include going through the girls clothes to put away the ones that #3 has outgrown for later and giving away the ones that #4 has outgrown, to make room for the new baby's "boy clothes". I have a sweet friend that sent me a box of boy clothes for the baby, since I gave all mine away, two baby's ago : ) My younger son was THRILLED that his baby brother won't have to wear pink! After that it's getting the girls settled together in their own room so that the baby will be in our room when he arrives in just a few more short weeks. Thankfully, it looks like we are on the far side of potty training for #4, as she has now gone 2 days accident free! Yippee!! Thank you everyone that remembers us in their prayers!

Some Days... You gotta laugh to keep from crying...

That was my day yesterday... As a rule, Wednesday's are our hectic days, anyway... The kids have their "enrichment classes" at the charter school, where they get to take extra-curricular classes with other home schooled kids, like farming, and PE and art, woodshop, metal shop, computers, science, etc... They really enjoy meeting up with friends and doing new things other than what we do at home, and I enjoy a morning break usually at my mom's. While #'s 3 and 4 are done at 12:30, the oldest has a woodshop class until 3:00, and then we pick him up and head home to throw something together for dinner before we leave for CCD at 6:00.

Well, this week to add to our Wednesday fun, I had a doctor's appointment. I figured it was 'creative scheduling' since the kids would be at school and mom would only have to watch the baby. But, THIS Wednesday morning, after I loaded up the van and jumped in to start it to take the kids to school, low and behold, that "weak battery" that we knew we were going to have to replace soon, decided it had seen it's final start... My neighbor, bless his heart, came to our rescue, attempting to jump it back to life, even cleaning the connector cables for me, and still, to no avail... and it turned out to be HIS 76th birthday!! I felt so bad! even though he said he didn't mind... So, I call my mom and ask if she can come stay with the baby while I use her car to take the kids to school, it's 9:20. School started at 9:15 and the kids are freaking out because they are late... mom shows up at 9:40 and jumps out of her little Nissan Sentra and I jump in. The kids are 30 minutes late but they make it to class. I go back to my house to get mom and the baby (we wouldn't all fit in her little car at once...) to take them back to her house so I can shower and get to my doctor appointment by 11:00. Good thing I cancelled that 10:00am ultra sound two days ago... It is now 10:30 and my doctors office is across town, probably 20-30 minutes away...

I jump in and out of the shower, throw on my dress, realizing I forgot my slip (oops... don't tell my mom...), comb out my wet hair and head out the door to the doctor's. Arriving 15 minutes late, I explain my morning and all is well as I take a seat and wait to see the doctor.

When my name is called they check my BP (116/48) and my weight (4 lbs. less) and head for the exam room. My doctor enters with his usual smile asking me how I'm feeling, and we begin to talk about my "issues"... "so, you're not checking your blood sugar?"

*sigh* "Doc, I'm not trying to be a 'rebel patient', I'm really not... but my issue with pregnancy has always been my blood pressure, and my BP right now is so GOOD, it's ridiculous! "

he says, "Wow! (looking at my chart) that's better than mine! "

I continue, "but I'm 42 years old, I have just a few weeks left and this is my 5th baby... I really can't handle all these tests, and counseling and extra stuff... my insurance doesn't want to cover diabetic counseling 100%, I don't have time to make MORE appointments or the patience to check my blood. I followed your simple instructions to cut back on sweets and carbs, more protien and exercise, and I really feel great! Especially about my BP..."

he said, "You lost 4 lbs. What happened?"

"You guys made me paranoid about this blood glucose thing!! I admit, I probably wasn't watching the sugar and carb intake as much as i should have, and I just cut back... and tried to exercise more... It apparently worked..."

Although he would like to have another look at the baby with an ultra sound to check the size again before delivery, he understood why I really don't want to, unless it's completely necessary.... We discussed possible VBAC and he said after 3 c-secs, he really wasn't comfortable with 'trying' to have a VBAC. IF my water breaks and my body naturally begins to go that direction, while waiting for a scheduled surgery, okay, but otherwise, we will schedule surgery on my next visit on the 20th. I'm okay with that...

So! No more tests, no more diagnostics, no more specialists, no more ultra sounds (unless there's an emergency...) Surgery will be scheduled sometime the first week of November...

So, I get out of my appointment, grab something to eat and head back to mom's at about 1:00. At mom's I pull out my ingredients that I brought to make the cookies that I said I would take to my daughters CCD class that evening. As I unpacked, I discovered I left my recipe at home, so I call my sister to get it from her again, (it's her recipe...). As I'm writing it down, it occurs to me that I left the CHIPS for the chocolate CHIP cookies I was going to make, at home!! sheesh!! NOW what?! My sister, bless her heart, came to my rescue, volunteering to make them for me... Whew! One less thing on my list! Now I will just have to stop at the store on my way home to purchase drinks to go with the cookies...

We pack up from grandma's into her little car (we were jokingly calling it the circus clown car because I'm sure we were quite a site piling in and out of it! lol!! ) and head BACK to the school to pick up my oldest from woodshop at 3:00. When we pull up he proudly walks out carrying this HUGE CD/DVD rack that he just finished in class! Of ALL days for him to bring this home!! lol... so he spent the next 5 minutes trying to STUFF it in to the trunk with all of our other stuff that we already had in there (baking stuff, my personal stuff that I took to get ready for the doctor, the baby's potty seat, the kids binders, etc...) lolol... That finally accomplished we head down the road to the store to get the drinks.

At the store we get the drinks and I used my coupon for the "free milk" that I got the previous week when I bought several boxes of a certain cereal. The coupon said "FREE 1 gallon of milk valued at $5 or less". The lady was annoyed because the milk rang up at $4.99 and the register only deducted $3.99.... "Well, that coupon is for the $3.99 milk"

"But it doesn't say that. It just says, $5.00 or less..."

"well, it's only a dollar... "

"So, are YOU going to give me a dollar?..."

She sent me to the "information booth" where THAT person didn't know what to do, so she ended up coming over and doing it herself, anyway... oh well, lady... sorry to mess up your day... wanna trade? ; )

We get home close to 4:00 and pile out of Grandma's circus clown car and unpack the trunk, CD/DVD rack and all! : ) Frozen dinners tonight! I find a message on my phone machine from earlier in the day reminding me to bring snacks for CCD and asking me to call back to confirm. But when I did, there was no answer. Oh well... I was prepared... Hubby got home from work and took my battery out of my van and headed to the auto store to get a new one. $70 later he returned to put it BACK in my van, only to have it STILL not start... Great! So, leaving a very grumpy husband with a mad baby that didn't want to be left behind, at 5:30 we grab the drinks out of the fridge, pack the circus clown car back up and head to my sisters to pick up the cookies she graciously baked for me!

I go to my daughters 1st grade CCD class to find they have a sub teacher. A dad, bless his heart is trying quite unsuccessfully to calm down a class room of 42 wriggly 1st graders... oh well.. goes with the rest of the day! lol... I VERY tiredly sit through class waiting for "snack time" at the end, when I discover BECAUSE I didn't call that lady back (that left a message on my machine) she had ANOTHER mom bring snack, instead! so now they had DOUBLE... Okay, whatever... I had signed up for THIS day and I just hope they don't expect me to bring snack AGAIN at another time... I already thought that snacks AND drinks for 40+ kids was WAY TOO MUCH to expect one mom to bring to class... and I purposefully chose a class right now so I wouldn't have to worry about it later...

After class we head home where I am TOTALLY spent and exhausted! Hubby has calmed down and we discuss that we will just have to call our mechanic in the morning and see what he tells us about the van and deal with the fall out if and when it comes...

Thankfully, when I called and saw my mechanic this morning, the problem with the van turned out to be pretty minimal, with having to replace the alternator fuse. The alternator was fine (Thank you, Jesus!) My mechanic (a very honest one!) was only going to charge me $5, but I gave him $20, because I was SO thankful! We were honestly expecting a 3 digit price... We went and picked up Grandma so that she could retrieve her circus clown car, and when I thought I could finally sit down and try and get some school work done, I just couldn't... My motivation out the window, the kids took advantage of my lack of enthusiasm for school and I took advantage of the baby's nap and went in to my room and flopped on the bed, myself, for a good hour, hour and a half... When I got up, I had enough energy to do the dishes and monitor my oldest as he graciously made dinner for us : )

So, yeah, it's been a hectic few days, but God is good, and we've come out, once again, on the other side... Much to be thankful for... And if you've stayed with this story this long, it's probably because you can TOTALLY relate! Thank You, Jesus, for trials and challenges, for answered prayers, for your continual reminders that you walk with me through it all...

Is It Worth It?

That's what my husband asked me on his way out after lunch and back to work...

"Is it worth the $50 they want you to pay?..."

I have been battling insurance and doctors offices for the past couple of months... It started back on May 8th when I had the first trimester screen, recommended by my doctor,with the specialist, that also included, unbeknownst to me, a finger-prick blood test for Downs syndrome. The "positive" result that THAT test and the ultra sound combined gave me, caused my doctor to request that I consider the genetic counseling and meeting with the specialist again for a more "in depth" ultra sound. I declined then, telling him that it wouldn't make a difference, that I would carry the baby to term, regardless... I knew, by this time, that my insurance would not cover ultra sounds 100%, but only at 80%. I was confronted with THIS information when I went to the u/s on May 8th and was told I had to pay $80, that I didn't have, but had to scrape up (borrow) last minute or be charged the $25 no notice cancellation fee...

So, after my "positive" result from the first u/s, I decided INSTEAD of meeting with the specialist again I would have the basic "regular" ultra sound with the u/s tech, pay my 20%, see the baby, put my mind at rest and put it behind me. I re-iterated my decision AGAIN to the specialist nurse that called me to ask once AGAIN if i was SURE that I didn't want to see the specialist and have the genetic counseling and to make sure I understood WHAT the positive test result meant.... I scheduled my "basic" u/s for July 18.

The morning of the 18th I was feeling anxious and thankful that my husband was going with me. We sat waiting several minutes before ANOTHER nurse came and got me and took me back to her office to inquire ONCE AGAIN "WHY" I wasn't seeing the specialist and having the genetic counseling that my doctor recommended and just having the "basic" u/s? I again, reiterated to her my reasons being it not going to make a difference and that my insurance would only cover 80% and I didn't want to spend the extra $$ on something that wasn't going to change anything.

If you haven't kept up with the story, you can find it here.

So! I wait another week, and July 24th I have what i was told was the "State Program" covered u/s with the specialist and meet with the genetic counselor (that I really didn't care if I had or not, I really was focused on just wanting to SEE my baby... but was told it was all part of the deal...), and when the baby doesn't cooperate, the Specialist doesn't get all the measurements that he wanted and so asks me to return in three weeks, which I do.

So when I return on August 14 it was to COMPLETE what the Specialist Doctor started on July 24th, COMPLETEING the measurements all of which I was told would be covered under this "State Program" that I "automatically qualified for because I had a positive screening..."

"It doesn't matter WHAT your insurance covers, Mrs. P.", I was told on the 18th when I was encouraged to cancel my appointment that day and reschedule with the specialist on July 24th, the following week, "You had a positive screen and are AUTOMATICALLY covered by the State Program for EVERYTHING, including an amnio if you so choose to have, that needs to be done to monitor the baby, and will continue AFTER the baby is born if it turns out that the he or she does have Downs..."

It was shortly after this now "completed u/s" that I started getting a bill for the first session on the 24th where the baby didn't cooperate and he asked me to return. "Why" I asked the billing department...

"Well, that is your 20% leftover from your insurance"

"this was supposed to be covered by a 'State Program', why is my insurance being billed"

Fast forward to now. Now, after I have told the Doctors office for the umpteenth time that I was TOLD that it would not cost me ANYTHING and that is the ONLY reason I put off my originally scheduled u/s, I was NOT going to "eat this" and SOMEONE else would have to... and get THIS, the girl told me that the charge was for the GENETIC COUNSELING lady that I INSISTED that I really didn't care WHAT she had to say in the FIRST PLACE, but I was only interested in SEEING the baby!! It WASN'T going to matter!!!

I have called the billing office through the general line to be left on hold for over 45 minutes (both times) to receive a voice mail to which I never got a call back, twice. I got a direct number to a billing girl that I spoke with and said she would find out what was going on and she never called me back, TWICE. And when I finally got ahold of her a THIRD time she FINALLY told me that they would adjust the amount of $28.33 from the 24th appointment , but the $49-something (I haven't received THAT bill yet...) from the follow up u/s on the 14th of August could NOT be adjusted... "WHY NOT?! It was all part of the SAME "program" that I was told would be COVERED 100% back on the 18th of July when they convinced me to reschedule..." gggrrrrr....

I guess most people would say "forget it" and pay it and walk away... My husband would, at this point... Maybe to most people $50 isn't a lot of loss... But to this mom of five, $50 is a weeks worth of groceries, or medicines, diapers and toiletries for the month, gas for the van for a couple of weeks, a PAYMENT to the hospital for the emergency services I have had to take the kids in for over this past year... I can't do it... When I have to tell my kids that we can't take the trip to the zoo, or go to the movies, or I can't send them to camp or we can't go to the beach or take a vacation or even pay for sports or whatever, I just can't justify paying for something that I was ASSURED would be "taken care of" by this mysterious "state program"...

I found out when I called Miss "Blow-me-off-and-never-call-back's" supervisor this morning from HER assistant (yeah, still haven't been able to catch the one on top...) that NO "paperwork" was EVER submitted to any "State Program"... so NOW what? Do I qualify or not? No one can seem to give me a straight answer... I'll give them MY answer... I was ASSURED that I qualified BEFORE I ever cancelled my original appointment, that it would be covered and it would not cost me ANYTHING. I didn't screw this up. Someone there, did, and I'm not going to pay for it... what are they going to do? NOT deliver my baby?... maybe...*scoff*... whatever... I'm tired and this is all stressing me out...

I'm 32+ weeks in, I'm 42 years old and this is my 5th baby... I just want to crawl into a cave somewhere and let nature take it's course, at this point... Of course, I'd like to think that my family might miss me if I do that, so I guess I'll stick around a little bit longer... and wait to see if this supervisor lady is any better at returning phone calls than her supervisee... Please, God, she'll say the right thing... I told them that I go back to the doctor on the 24th next week and I really don't want to be confronted with this again... My blood pressure has been doing so well... *sigh*

So, to answer my husbands question, "Yes. It's worth it..."

It's worth it to this mom that will lay awake because she spent $5 on something that she later found she could have gotten at a different store ON SALE, using a coupon and save $4. It's worth it when you consider we already pay over $500 a month for insurance that we can't really even afford to use, when there is a $100 deductible per person ON TOP OF the 20% that you have to pay for pretty much any services that you need, but you can't really chance NOT having it... When you are a big family choosing to live on one income, "frugal" and "bargaining" becomes a way of life... a way of survival... it all counts.... It's worth it when I am able to save enough cash to take a trip or do something special and/or unexpected with the kids because it doesn't happen too often. It's worth it to see their happiness and excitement. Yeah, that's worth all of it... I'll let you know if I ever get that call back.. Rest assured, if I don't hear in the next few days I WILL be calling again... please, pray for me...

Pregnancy, Insurance and "Specialists", Oh My!!

Okay, I made an "executive decision" and cancelled my appointment with the "Diabetic Counselor" this morning. Now don't get me wrong. I think that Gestational Diabetes should NOT be taken lightly, and I won't treat it as such... but as I recall (and keep in mind that this is baby #5 for me...) that my "numbers" have always been a little "high" but the previous doctor has always reassured me that it was not significant enough to be worried about... Keeping an eye on my blood pressure always seemed to be the greater concern, and THAT has been really good! I mean, even my current doctor told me that it wasn't too bad, and I should watch the sweets, increase my protein and walk more. Simple instructions, I can handle that, thanks, Doc! But THEN it was the Diabetic counselor that accosted me on my way out to "make an appointment" (Like I have time and babysitters for MORE appointments!) so that she could take an hour of my time to counsel me on diet and how to use the glucose monitoring machine... is all this REALLY necessary?? Are my numbers SO significant that it warrants pricking my fingers after EVERY meal? When I spoke with nurse friends AND a mid-wife friend of mine they all told me that the numbers didn't seem THAT significant... "watch your sweets, eat more protein and take a walk!" They all said it!!

On top of this, I was on the phone with the Doctors billing department this morning, as well, questioning WHY I was being charged for services that #1 I was told would be COVERED by some "State program". She told me that that was the charge for the "genetic counseling"!!! I told her that I didn't WANT that in the first place!! Tate it wasn't going to matter WHAT she told me in GC. The ONLY reason I agreed to it was because THEY (the doctors office) told me that because I had a "positive" result on my first trimester screen that I AUTOMATICALLY qualified for the "State Program" and the genetic counseling was part of it, so it was covered... Now they're telling me it's not and so I have to pay for it... gggrrrrr... I don't think so!! I won't take this quietly, that's for sure!!

I try to tell these people, look, this isn't my first 'rodeo'. I have 4 previous little blessings at home so it's not like I can just drop and go for every appointment that they think I need to see a specialist for. And because we live on ONE income, and we are a family of 6, soon to be 7, 20% is A LOT OF MONEY for us to contribute for these expenses that aren't going to change the fact that we are still going to have this baby!! See?! Feed my family, or pay 20% of a bill that isn't going to change anything, but only give me more information that I may or may not want to hear...? hhhmmmm....

*sigh* So, the billing girl that I spoke with FINALLY this morning (I've been trying to contact her for 2 weeks, leaving at least 3 messages that were never returned) told me that probably 85% of the time, insurance companies WON'T cover the cost of the diabetic counselors.. great! Sorry, Doc, I don' t mean to be an obstinate patient here, but I just can't do this anymore... too much "counseling" is making me nuts! I have 4 kids at home, I'm WAY pregnant and WAY hormonal. I homeschool, and trying to potty train a 2 year old, I run errands and try to keep my home as orderly as I can and I don't have time OR patience to measure and monitor food and machines... I feel fine, my weight has been fine, no significant weight gain.. in fact I've lost 4 lbs. since this latest "find" because they have made me absolutely paranoid about eating... I WILL watch the sweets and the carbs, and I WILL eat more protien and walk more. My blood pressure is better than it has been in a long time (116/66 last night) but I just can't do it anymore... I am down to my last few weeks of pregnancy. I just want to be left alone, honestly... I initially chose this new Doctor so that I could feel confident in having a specialist if needed, in the event that I had problems with my BP again, as has been my problem with the previous pregnancies... But enough is enough.... I'm going to trust God on this one... I still like my doctor tremendously, but it's all the "extra's" that want to get their hand in the pot, so to speak...

So, now I don't know about the insurance. They are a whole other confusing problem for me... I mean, our family is relatively healthy, thank you, Jesus! So we don't use our insurance a whole lot. We pay close to $600/month for insurance that covers most things 80/20% , with a $100 deductible per person per calender year. So, yeah, we pretty much pay for insurance we can't really afford to use... They initially told me that ALL maternity was covered 100%. Now they tell me that labs and x-rays are 100% up to $350, after which it goes to 80/20. AND the ultra sounds are being billed 80/20 because they are "major medical". "But", i tell them, "I wouldn't be getting an u/s if I wasn't pregnant!". "Well", they responded, "It's not notated under maternity, so that's why it falls under major medical..." THEN they told me, "Mrs. P, you will need to refer back to your information packet as to what is covered and how..."

Now, I don't know about you, but TALKING with the insurance people over the phone is confusing enough, but they it REALLY irritates me when they want to refer to the plan book!! Talk about TOTAL Greek!! Do they honestly think that regular "Jane Doe" can actually make heads or tails of that?? Please.... That's what I told the girl, and she giggled... she knew that the request was as dumb as it sounded... Unless you deal with this stuff all the time, it makes NO sense! And they change stuff all the time!! I thanked her for her time and told her that I had to stop for now. Anymore and my brain was literally going to explode... I'm not sure what I'm going to do, because I really don't want to take the word of my insurance that "this" amount is what i owe... I need to go back and see if I can get any of these other bills re-marked and re-sent as "maternity" so that the insurance will cover them... such a pain....

Okay, enough griping... there are people worse off in this world... and I think I need a nap... : )

Week 31 and Counting...

So, I had another check up with the Doctor this morning. My BP was a terrific 117/80. BUT!! Apparently my blood sugar levels from my 3 hour glucose test last Friday came back elevated... They were mostly concerned with my level # when i first went in "fasting". I guess that 'normal' is 90, and mine was 118. Then, after i drank the glucose drink and my one hour and 3 hour blood draws were also slightly elevated. The second hour draw was fine... weird, huh?...

"Emily, have you had problems with your blood sugar with your previous pregnancies?"

"nope. Just my blood pressure, which, oddly, seems to be very good!" *sigh*

SO! Now I have to meet with the diabetic counselor so that she can educate me on diet, etc, and show me how to use the monitor that they are going to send home with me for a couple of weeks to monitor my blood sugar levels. My Doctor, kind and sweet man that he is, tried to reassure me that this was probably just 'normal' due to my age and my body just not processing the sugar like it used to... He suggested that exercising, walking or swimming more each day could be enough to regulate it. I will try that, as I haven't been doing as much as i should, and could do more... The only other thing that I could think of that may be causing a problem is my increase in eating fruit, in order to keep things "moving" if you know what I mean! lol!! And during these summer months we have had an abundance of peaches, plums, nectarines, grapes and banana's from friends and family... And apple season is JUST around the corner!!

So now I go back in three weeks for another ultra sound to check and make sure that Sam isn't becoming "MONDO" Baby, and see the doctor again. I guess my biggest worry, now is that I will have a MONSTER size baby... #2 was my biggest, at a whopping 8 lbs... I have friends, though, that have gotten gestational diabetes and delivered 9.5 - 12lb.-r's!! YIKES!! Sure don't want that!! Can you believe that i'm down to the final 9 weeks?...

About Sarah Palin's 17 year old Daughter..

So, as expected, it didn't take long for something to emerge from the McCain-Palin ticket. We know how it goes in politics and there were many working on it fervently from the moment the announcement was made... Unfortunately, this particular information targets Sarah's oldest daughter, and at 17, I'm sure this can't be easy. God BLESS this family for the love and support they give one another in this campaign! As hard as this road will be for them, especially if elected, I believe that Sarah Palin was an answer to a lot of prayers from across this country for a conservative VP candidate. No doubt that this election and if elected, the Vice Presidency would be a great sacrifice to her family...

But! as Catholics and Christians we know that we AREN'T perfect. Only those who have traveled the hard road and are in heaven with our heavenly Father are perfect. Our Christianity and how committed we are to that which we "preach" is shown in our actions, though. "put up or shut up" or to put it more nicely, "practice what you preach"...

How Sarah and her family are handling this difficult situation with their oldest and unmarried daughter at the tender age of 17, so far has been a BEAUTIFUL example. The parents, though happy that their daughter has chosen to keep her unborn baby, they are realistic in their approach of the situation, and will love and support her, regardless. The words of Sarah Palin, herself say it best:

“We have been blessed with five wonderful children who we love with all our
heart and mean everything to us. Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with
news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever
planned. We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to
become grandparents. As Bristol faces the responsibilities of adulthood, she
knows she has our unconditional love and support.

“Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very
quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the
love and support of our entire family. We ask the media to respect our daughter
and Levi’s privacy as has always been the tradition of children of
candidates.”

Quite a contrast to the words of Obama, last Spring when he crowed of having two daughters and how IF THEY made a "mistake" he would not want them "punished" with a baby, OR an STD... great... so NOW babies are a sexually transmitted diseases... *sigh*

If the Palin's daughter had chosen to go out and seek an abortion, THAT would have been a controversy... she did not, and for me, only shows all the more that they are "normal" in that they don't have "perfect" lives and have to live and deal with the same types of issues many of us as grandparents, parents, and siblings face all the time... God Bless them for that!

And as for the Obama camp, well, let them make their comments, etc... it won't be the first time that it comes back to bite them in the back side.

Okay, first This...

It's Monday, and as usual, I have a full plate, including school, but there were a couple of things that I came across this weekend that I wanted to share. First this BEAUTIFUL video shared with me of a computer animated growth of a human fetus. The narration is in French, but no matter... it's cool, all the same... It is truly AMAZING how God has designed us! Enjoy!

Sam I Am...

Here he is... my beautiful Sam! I had a final/follow-up visit with the Specialist, so he could get a better look at what he wasn't able to see three weeks ago. Okay, so, regardless of how much I keep telling people that Sam is going to be my "perfect" child : ) he's already proving to be quite uncooperative in utero! lol! But the nurse technician did the ultra-sound today while the specialist made his observations! She was much more comfortable, I gathered, in instructing me in what she needed me to do, or how she needed me to move so that they could get a better look at the baby. So! With my rolling from one side to the other, in order to keep up with the active little guy, they were able to get some really good angles and the measurements that they were after. I think the most fascinating part was looking at his strong little heart. Actually being able to see all four chambers as it pumped along rhythmically was just awesome to behold... God is truly awesome but most especially in his design for man... My little Sam was absolutely beautiful! And the specialist said, by all observations and measurements, Sam looked to be like a perfectly healthy little boy... : )

So, I had an appointment with my regular OB yesterday, and all things were good. Well, except that I will have to go BACK to the lab sometime in the next 3 weeks to do the 3 hour glucose testing... BLECH!! I absolutely HATE the lab!! And I can't remember if I did it with all my previous pregnancies but I know I have at least with 2 others, had to do the 3 hour glucose test.

I did my second one-hour test for this pregnancy on Tuesday. Normally, easy enough... but for WHATEVER reason... let's say, the Devil knew I was hot (temps and humidity have been icky...), and grumpy, AND especially hormonal that day... I had a technician that INSISTED that I give her a urine sample BEFORE she would give me that nasty sugar drink... I drink water all the time, and normally pee AT LEAST once an hour. But wouldn't you know it? I went to the bathroom before I left home, and so when I got there I didn't need to go. "Oh, we need 'ureene sample"... in her thick accent...

"Yes, mam, I realize you need a urine sample, but I don't have to go right now... can't I drink the sugar drink right now, so that we can start the hour timer and give me the cup so that when I have to go, I will go..."

"No. We need a ureene sample first..."

"But I can't have the glucose drink right now?"

"No. We need a ureene sample..."

grrrr.... "So, I can't have the sugar drink and start the hour time until the blood draw BEFORE I pee in the cup?"

"Yes, mam, you pee in the cup..." with a big smile on her face like she had NO clue...

Now at this point I was the ONLY one in the lab, so I took the cup and went in to the bathroom, and waited, and waited.... and waited.....

"are you okay?..."

And in my 'not so nice' tone I responded, "yeah, but I really don't have time to wait to take a pee right now! I have kids at home and I have a VERY limited time to be here and do this!" (My husband was home with the kids on his lunch hour.)

"oh, okay. We can do it later.. It's okay, we can wait..."

(inside my head) *scream!!!* - when I came out of the bathroom, I saw that I was no longer the ONLY one in the lab... sorry, lady...

So when I came out with the little bit I was able to go, apparently she was able to make do... She gave me the sugar drink, I downed it in about 45 seconds (much to her surprise - I told her I was in a hurry...) and she told me to be back in an hour...

An hour later I was back, ANOTHER tech drew my blood (the first had apparently gone to lunch) and I was on my way... sheesh... I have to laugh, now, at how I had called my husband, during that hour wait, crying I was so annoyed, and he was trying to calm me down telling me it was over now, and to calm down and not cry... lol... hormones make you crazy...

So, when my doctor told me yesterday that the results were inconclusive and I would have to do the three hour test he sensed my displeasure in the HUGE sigh I let out... lol... so I had to tell him my story. Such a nice doctor... : ) He listened patiently and said, "Gosh, she just had no flexibility, did she?.." I smiled and let it go... Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do with the kids for three hours while I have this other test done... Then it's back to the doctor in another 3 weeks.

Outside of the inconclusive glucose test, my blood pressure is AMAZING!! In past pregnancies (with the exception of my first where my BP was fine all the way up until my last check up 2 weeks prior to my due date...) by this point with the preceding 3, it started to go up by month 7, give or take... But, for whatever reason, it was a terrific 122/76! My only explanation and what I have done differently is taking the fish oil caplets everyday that my Doctor recommended when I first started seeing him. They really seem to work! With my last pregnancy, the walking everyday made a definite difference, but even still I was running 130's and 140's over high 80's all the way up until about the last 3-4 weeks before I was due and then there didn't seem to be anything I could do to make a difference. The doctor had me taking BP meds, but they didn't seem to help, other than to make me sleepier than I already was...

But with THIS pregnancy, my BP was worse, 3 months ago! lol!! Before the fish oil caplets, it was already running 130's over high 80's... Anyway, I couldn't be more pleased with these results.... Call me crazy, but I'm even starting to wonder if a VBAC would be possible... my first child (after it was determined that I had developed pre-clampsia) was born after I was induced and delivered almost 18 hours later, with my falling in and out of consciousness and my BP bottoming out a number of times. As a result, my later 3 children were all delivered c-section once my BP started rising and withing 2-3 weeks of my due dates. So, it's just kind of playing in the back of my mind if a VBAC would actually be possible at this point, as long as everything stays as it is... Time will tell, I guess... Thank you so much everyone that has been praying me through!

Preparing for Back to School...

So, I'm one of those people that gets focused on the task at hand and doesn't like to stop until it's d-o-n-e, done. Instead of starting my lesson planning at the beginning of the week, like was my plan, I spent it "preparing" to do my lesson planning. I've been going through my school cabinet, sorting through, cleaning out and organizing. Cleaning off the school desks, etc... FINALLY, this morning, I was able to start the actual planning. I have managed to write out the first 16 weeks of my son's Catechism, Reading, Writing and English lessons! I'm SO proud of myself!! Those subjects are the hardest for me to organize and get straight, and it usually takes me a bit to get the "rhythm" of the books and lessons that are handed to me from our resource teacher, so I feel pretty accomplished, now. I'd like to just continue, but I think tomorrow i will work on his lessons for Math, History and Science for those same first 16 weeks... I wanted to do my oldest son's lessons first, because this is his first year of "junior high" and so, a little more difficult, and I don't want him getting behind, especially during my "down time"...

The best part is, when I was skimming through the new math book I got for him (which I was really kinda worried about... pre-algerbra... yuck!!) It came with a tutoring CD with interactive learning guides, activities and other cool things to help him (and maybe me!) get the concepts better! Cool!! so, I'm a little less worried, now... : )

After I get a good head start on #1's lessons, then I will start on the other two, for 1st and 4th grades. I still feel pretty competent in those grade levels, so I'm not too worried, yet! lol!! And those lessons should be a little more easy to plan out.

As I watch my stomach continue to pop forward, I find myself "nesting" in preparation more and more. After the lesson planning, I still need to get a start on the girls room, so that I can get #4 out of my room and sleeping in a room with her sissy, in order to make room for #5. But I still have PLENTY of time, right? lol! Sure!! : )

It's the MOST Wonderful Time of the Year....!

I think of one of my favorite-funny commercials whenever this time of year is upon us...



Yes, it's that time of year again... Even though we homeschool, my children are just about as excited as the kids in the commercial... lol!! Summer break is just NEVER long enough for them! As for mom, well, sometimes it's a little too long... But with my husband working for a local school district HE tells me that summer break for the public schools was actually cut a week short this year. So my kids shouldn't really feel too bad...

Anyway, we saw our resource teacher last Friday, collected up our books and I will hopefully spend the next few days putting my lesson plans in order. My hope is to get as much done ahead of time as possible, before little Sam's pending arrival. As the clock ticks down to the end of October, given my past history with pregnancy, I need to be prepared for major changes in my health and possible hospitalizations, etc... God willing, NONE of that will happen. I mean, so far, my health has been surprisingly good. My blood pressure, the biggest surprise, has been in the 120's/70's, and I can only credit the prayers of support and perhaps the fish oil caplets that my doctor recommended awhile back. But BP has been the biggest culprit for making me sick during the last few weeks of my pregnancies, so, that's what I'm going to keep my eye on.

In the mean time, my kids will circle around these next few days moaning and groaning about not wanting to start school again, and summer was too short and the ever famous "It's not FAIR!!"... Oh well! Life, my children, is not fair... That's why we have FAITH! : ) Got to fit those catechism lessons in there too! : )The school year "officially" starts August 18th for us, but I hope to get a head start on that too, just in case I'm out of commission when the baby comes and I'll have a few days to play with. Suddenly I feel like time is just FLYING by!!

I'm in GREAT Company!

I learned JUST this morning that a long time friend , VERY close to my own age, AND having JUST celebrated 20 years of wedded "bliss" with her own hubby... (We celebrate 20 years November 5 of this year...) that she, too, is expecting a new little miracle!! I can not tell you how EXCITED this makes me!! I won't name names, but i WILL tell you that she is one of the first people that I wanted to talk to after i found out about my own current pregnancy... She has a large family, like me, and I just KNEW that she would understand... I just didn't realize HOW WELL she would understand! lol!! Congratulations to her and her family! She commented to me that we will be able to share the "Geriatric Maternity Ward" together! lol!! Please say a prayer for my friend and for the safety of her pregnancy and for her family... She, no doubt, will be subject to a lot of the same rhetoric and testing that I have been...

Ultra Sound, take 3...

Well, I finally was able to have the awaited second ultra sound yesterday. It was a long morning of waiting, between the meeting with the genetic counselor (9:40am) and actually having the ultra sound (almost 12:30). I was a little nervous about the meeting with the genetic counselor, because I didn't want to hear words like "options" and "terminate" that seem to roll off of some people's tongues so easily... But that actually went more smoothly than I had anticipated, thank you, Jesus... She explained to me that in the first trimester u/s that they basically take the results of the u/s, my blood/hormone counts and my AGE to calculate a number. THAT number is what gave me a "positive" result for Downs. The counselor and the Dr./Specialist, both commented that it was probably my age that was tipping the scales for a positive result. My husband and I both come from big healthy families with no history of problems. I then had to "officially" sign a waver to decline an amnio...


When we finally got in for the actual ultra sound the tech was able to make some measurements of the baby's head, leg and arm bones and abdomen. She also told us the gender and said that everything looked as though it was within "normal range". When the doctor/specialist came in, the baby decided to turn his back to the camera and not cooperate... lol... no different than my other 4... He WAS able to get a look at the heart, that he framed up and clicked a button, and this red and blue appeared on the screen. It was the actual blood flow to and from the heart! THAT was really cool! But with the baby having his back to us, The doc really wasn't able to see the arms, legs, face and heart as well as he would have liked to. So, guess what?... I get to go back in three weeks to do it again!


So, while I didn't get the "fairly certain" from the doctor that I would have liked, I heard and saw enough to set my heart and mind at ease... I really think that it is just God's way of telling me to "let go and let God" I really need to just TRUST in Him and His plan... The ultra sound that I will have again in a few weeks will just be "gravy"... : )


I know that it can be easy to try and reassure someone in my situation to "be at peace" and "not to worry. Everything will be fine..." and I really appreciate the support and good intentions. I've done it myself for others... but now, having been through this myself it just shows me that "too much information" can be harmful, especially to the mind... This has been such an emotional roller coaster to me... I knew before I was pregnant that there was a risk of Downs or any other number of problems. But having a test come back "positive" really can have a toll... It's why I have declined the AFP screening for my last 3 pregnancies... I really did not realize when my doctor asked me to have the "First trimester u/s-screening" that it would involve all this, or I most probably would have declined it, as well, just to save myself the grief and worry... I know that they (medical science) do it all in the name of 'health' and 'staying informed', but today's society in general is just too programmed to "disposable life" and wanting to know everything so as to determine which life is viable and which is not... and being the pro-life person that I am, it's a really an ugly place to be immersed...


One of the papers that I had to sign yesterday was one asking if I was interested in having the AFP screening or the testing for Cystic Fibrosis... I wanted to write in BIG BOLD letters across the paper, "NO MORE TESTING!! Thank you!!" but, instead i just marked "declined" and signed my name... Thank you, to everyone that has prayed and offered words of wisdom and support. They really do mean the world to me and help immensely. God is good...


Now, without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Samuel Elijah...

24 Weeks down, 16 (or less!) to go!

It's hard to believe it's already been 24 weeks! But there it is! (No, that isn't MY baby in the picture, but a VERY beautiful one that I got off of the pregnancy.org web site...) Anyway, I went to have my ultra sound Friday last, in MUCH anticipation of getting some more definitive answers as to the health of my baby. Instead I was side-lined by another nurse/patient services/assistant manager of some sort... She took me to her office, that she shared with the "Manager" of this department and asked me if I had been informed of the results of my first trimester ultra sound...? I told her "yes". She asked if I had been told about the offered genetic counseling..? and I told her "yes, but I declined..." She then asked if she could inquire as to why....? I told her "#1 because it wasn't going to matter in the long run, one way or the other, as to whether or not I would carry to term. #2 - according to what I understood about my insurance, it was not considered regular 'prenatal' care and therefore would not fall under the 100% coverage, but would go under the 80%/20%. Now 20% may not be alot to a lot of people, but in our situation, it was, and I couldn't justify spending the money on something that wasn't going to change anything..." So THEN she said that she respected my decision, but because of my "positive" Downs result from the last testing it was "HIGHLY" recommended that I have the "level 3" ultra sound with the specialist, that included the genetic counseling. What I was scheduled for that day was just the basic "level 1" ultra sound, with a tech. I already knew and was prepared to pay $60 for this. She continued that since I had a "positive" result from the first trimester result, that the insurance may pay 100%. She was going to have another girl check on it. By this time I'm just in tears, because, well, I'm pregnant, and all this was just starting to take over my emotions...

I went back to the waiting room to try and explain this all to my husband when the "manager" lady from this same office came out and got me. She explained that she had overheard our conversation and did some checking. BECAUSE I had a "positive" result, I automatically fall under the "State Program" and that would pay for a "level 3" ultra sound with the specialist and any additional assistance I might need. It did not matter whether or not my insurance would cover. So, bottom line, I could have gone ahead and paid my 20% for my basic "level 1" u/s on Friday with a tech, as I was prepared to do, or they would re-schedule me to meet with the specialist (He comes up from UCLA once a week, on Thursdays to meet with patients) this coming Thursday, and all would be covered and paid for. I would get the level 3 u/s, that my doctor would rather me have, with the specialist, who would give me a more thorough exam, and hopefully give me some more definitive answers than a tech would. As frustrated and emotionally wrecked that I was feeling at that point, I decided that we would wait...

I still met with my regular OB, we heard the heartbeat (VERY strong) and my BP was terrific (120/77), amazingly!! I just wish that I had been informed of all this in the first place and I would have gone this route initially. But I guess God had His reasons... perhaps giving me yet another opportunity to just TRUST in Him...

My husband asked me today what would happen IF the results come back even stronger for the possibility of having a Downs baby... Well, if it does, it does... So I will know... It's not like I will love the baby any less... Just one thing more to worry about and maybe emotionally prepare... But if it comes back that the baby, as far as he (the specialist) can tell, looks, normal and healthy, then I'm hoping that it will set my fears at rest and be one less thing to worry about.. I don't know... Again, if I had just not gotten the first test, in the first place, this would all be a moot point... This will all be fine in the end and come out according to God's perfect plan, I know... thank you for the prayers... I'll keep you posted...

About the Pregnant Teens in MA

Not one of them over 16... Did they purposefully create a pact to get pregnant together? That answer is foggy right now... Does it really matter at this point?... I guess, on the positive side the girls are choosing life and keeping their babies... But in actuality, like all young girls that "fall in love" with the "idea" of being pregnant and having a baby, and most teenagers in general really, they can't see past the tip of their noses... Oh, they say they can. They will say they are "ready" and "prepared" to have and raise children... But speaking as a mom of 4, well, technically 5 at this point, and step mom to 2 grown children, I can say EACH new child brought with him or her a whole new experience, issues and happenings that I wasn't really "prepared" for... And I was MARRIED and living on my own before I even started to think about getting pregnant...

A baby is not a new "toy". A baby is not something that you can just take out and play house with when you feel like it, and put away when you've had enough. Baby's are work, and commitment and unconditional love... and I'm not talking about their love for you but YOUR love for them... and trust me, some days, or nights, when your walking the floor with caulic, or woke by screaming, sometimes puking, when they learn to walk and move around and have destroyed your favorite glass or ceramics or anything that might be special to you... they aren't real lovable... When you want to go out with friends, and you don't have a babysitter, when you can hardly afford to eat any of the things you like because it costs too much trying to feed and diaper a baby... When you feel like you have no life anymore because everything circles around the baby that you insisted that you wanted and were ready for... And have any of them thought about the possibility of having multiples? or a special needs child?... A stubborn kid might tell me that she's thought of all that, and that she is still "ready"... uh-huh... "hearing" and "thinking" about it and saying one's ready is one thing... actually "living" it is really quite something else...

The Mayor of the town that these girls are from, Carolyn Kirk tried to blame a lack of funding for "health education" and THAT'S why so many girls came up pregnant, not because of a "pact"... hhhmmm... I'm sorry Ms. Kirk, but do you really suspect that NOT ONE of these girls knew about birth control?! Call me "naive" but honestly in today's public school systems "health education" is literally shoved down the throats of young students. Not to mention the secular world of advertising, where it's not unheard of to hear and see everything from bill boards, to magazine ads to TV commercials and radio spots, not to mention the actual shows themselves, discussing young people's "need to know"... From pigs pedalling condoms to the cute, young, late teen and 20-somethings, giggling about the latest and greatest new birth control pill that not only prevents pregnancy, but gives "shorter, lighter periods" and is great for the complexion! (as an aside, I have to say that I DID actually see a TV commercial - can't remember the channel now- about a week ago with a young guy talking about how great sex is, and how he can't wait, but, he has chosen to stay a virgin right now, and as a result doesn't have to worry about being "tested" or any of the other hundreds of STD's that are now in existence... The closing plug was that abstinence was 100% effective - when used properly - for prevention of pregnancy and/or contracting disease.)

My remaining thought is, what is it about these girls lives that is missing that causes them to want to create their own love for themselves?... Did any of them have a stay at home mom? How many of them have both parents still at home?... How many of them had healthy, strong relationships with their parents, either or both?... I don't know the answers to these questions, and I don't know that the answers would reveal anything new... I won't count on the secular media asking any of them, either... All we can do now is pray for them, and for the lives they carry... In all honesty, I don't know that my kids will grow up without ever having to experience this, just because they are growing up now in a home where both biological parents still live together, and I stay home to raise them during the day... Statistically, I'd say their chances are better that they will make better choices, though.... Again, some days all I can do, is pray...

Genetic Counseling...

My Doctor's office called me on Thursday afternoon to tell me that my "testing" results came back as having a possibility of having a Downs baby. I told her that I had already been informed by my doctor when I saw him last week. She was very nice, but said she was calling to follow up and to see if I was interested in making an appointment to have "genetic counseling". The reason being that I could meet with a counselor and we could look more closely in to our (my husband and my) gene pools and determine if our "numbers" looked any "better" for the baby from that perspective....

I thanked her for the offer, but declined, as it wasn't really going to make a difference as to whether or not we had the baby. That we were sure that whatever the outcome, all of this was in God's control, anyway, and we would accept His will for our lives. But as I hung up the phone, it just, quite honestly, stuck with me... I don't know if they consciously realize how much these sorts of conversations can affect a mother to be... I mean, really... As much as I hate to admit it, it really has freaked me out a bit...

In my four previous pregnancies I have never had this type of testing before, that I know of... So I don't know if my "numbers" would have shown the same for any of them, or not, and I have 4, fairly healthy children... but now, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "what if?..." I mean, I know, because of my age that I was already at a higher risk... but it's not like I was going to... I don't know if I should say "worry" or "stress" but, maybe "think" about it so much.... But it does seem to have put a bit of weight on my mind that I wish wasn't there... Had I never been told, the thoughts probably would not weigh so heavily... I mean, after all, my chances of having a normal, healthy baby are still greater than not...

Some days I already feel so overwhelmed, and tired and like I just don't know how much more I can handle... What if I have a special needs baby?... What if I have a baby that will demand, by no fault of its own, more of my time and attention and possibly more money for medical needs?.... We have known and both worked with special needs children in our jobs (hubby and I). And we have alwasy been so moved and impressed at how families work together for the good of the child and how a special needs child can so often bring unexpected love and benefits to a family that were never expected... But, how will this affect the rest of my kids? My marriage? I know it's all in God's hands... In my mind I KNOW this... I really do... but I am human, and I am weak... Only in Christ am I strong...

Thank God for Fr. John... He really was the voice of Christ for me, today... I was blessed in going to confession this morning. We actually went to another parish first, but confessions had been cancelled because they were having first communion mass for a group of kids... So we ended up at our regular parish with Fr. John a couple of hours later. A permanent deacon for over 25 years, a biological father of 12 children of his own, a widower and now ordained priest for the past 5 years... I normally go to confession "in the box" because I have found it to be less "distracting" and able to focus, but for reasons not in my control, I had to go face to face. Fr. John greeted me warmly and I sat before him, closed my eyes and bowed my head. I told him that it had been WAY too long since my last confession and gave my list.... including my lack of trust and fear for the health of my baby within... Good ole Fr. John, father of 12, husband for many years, knew EXACTLY where I was coming from... he knew EXACTLY what to say to me... He told me that he and his beloved wife had been where I was at and they knew... That was enough to ease my mind... He told me that in the midst of my daily jobs to take time to remember the Holy Family, and to pray... when I feel overwhelmed and like no one is helping me or even noticing then, instead of dwelling on "where are they?" "why aren't they here, helping?" to ask God when I'm doing the dishes, "Lord, make my soul as clean as this dish..." when doing the laundry, "Lord, refresh my soul as these clothes..." yup... as simple as it was, it was what I needed to hear...

So, after making my act of contrition and Fr. giving me my penance and then placing his wise and shaking hands on my head for absolution, I wiped my tears and managed a smile, thanking him. But before I left he asked if I would mind if he touched my stomach.... The tears welled up again, as I nodded "yes" and he placed his hand on my belly and gave me and the baby another blessing.... I guess that's all the "counseling" I need, for now.... : )