Answering That Little Whisper...

So, for the past year or so there has been a little whispering heard in the back of my mind... it was always stirred up when I would talk to or hear of a friend, family member or acquaintance struggling with marriage... not getting married, but people already married and go through a rough time... some issues more serious than others, but struggles, none the less... and the ones that would talk to me, as I listened I would recall, "I remember going through something similar... I remember feeling that way... I remember thinking that..." Gosh, there were so many things that seemed SO serious at the time I was going through it... I was just "done"... I was tired and weary and felt lost, alone and helpless... SO MANY issues that my husband and I went through that I had NO clue of when we said our "I do's"...

I believe that part of why we are still together after almost 23 years of marriage is sheer stubbornness on both our parts... My own desire of not wanting to "fail" and my husband already having been married once before not wanting to "fail" again... But I also give credit to God and the graces we received in our Sacrament on our wedding day... But for the Grace of God go I... I look back now and see how unprepared we really were to get married... thought I don't know that any couple can be COMPLETELY prepared, I know that we could have been better prepared... if only I could share this information with other couples!

So! I finally took the prompting in my heart and made an appointment to meet with our associate pastor, a Retrovaille priest, to speak with him and ask his thoughts on a married couples mentoring group. I wanted to know what he thought about having hubby and I share our married experiences with other couples going through a rough time and maybe offering them some insight, hope and SUPPORT for their marriage... So many, today seem to be "counseled" in to trial separations or even immediate divorce so that they can "get out" and "get on" with their lives... but do they, really?... and what about children in the mix?... that makes these things even MORE complicated... Anyway, Father was THRILLED with the idea and sent me to speak with the Pastor of our parish... he too liked the idea and was ready and willing to offer support for such a program... My next step was to figure out the "how"...

Having directed an RCIA for 5 years, that was pretty much all I had to model any kind of program off of.... and I started to wonder, with a house hold and 5 homeschooling children in my care day to day, how much time was I willing to give to this venture?... Hubby was on board and supportive, but he works full time, as well... with some suggestions from friends I started to do some research, when I came across what seemed to be the perfect solution!

The Third Option is a program that has been put together for couples to mentor other couples! it is a multi-week program that can be started at intervals and replayed as needed. It specifically markets itself as being an option to couples wanting to SAVE their marriage but not live in misery... couples mentoring couples! My pastor agreed to order it for us and we can't wait to get it, look it through and get started! It seemed an answer to prayer! What struck me most, i think was when I read through how the idea came about for the creator of the program.... she, too was tired and heart broke over the stories of struggling couples looking for support and help in their marriage...

As a Catholic I believe that marriage is FOREVER.... I believe that our parishes across the country have been duped in to the "divorce and get over it and on with your life" lie, as a justifiable option... Not that there aren't instances where divorce/annulment is justifiable... I just think that it has run WAY out of control... When couples start to experience struggles they should be able to find help and support FOR THEIR MARRIAGE from the Church! While individual personalities are inevitable and we should stay true to ourselves, on our wedding days, the two become ONE.... It's tough learning to be a couple... you aren't always going to agree... But God gives us one another as a vocation and opportunity to ultimately draw ourselves and one another closer to Him. And when we learn this in our own marriages, I believe it's our duty to let other married couples know...

Next time you attend a wedding... a Catholic wedding, in particular, think about this... you were invited to witness this momentous event... to show your support... that support shouldn't end after the reception. Thank you, Jesus, for that little whisper you sent to me... I pray that this venture will produce "good fruit"...

The Less I Have...

When I was younger (say, 15 - 20 years ago...) my thought was that the less I had, the more I WANTED.... 20 years ago, my husband and I were still newlyweds and had no children of our own. He had two children from a previous marriage, that we saw every other weekend and for longer periods of time during the summer and holidays. We both worked for humble incomes, had horrible spending habits, and even though we made PLENTY to sustain our home, more often we often came up short... We wanted MORE...

As years went by, because of a windfall of money paid out to my husband for a job related injury, we purchased a good car and opened our own business. We worked long and hard to build up and promote our business and were able to do quite well, as far as income... It was our out go that still had some BIG kinks in it... and as our business grew so did our expenses, but even THAT didn't seem to curb our STILL horrible spending habits... We managed to become well known in our community for our business, and lots of customers that we gained the confidence of, sending more and more people our way. We had it made... but after 10 years, the business was wavering, as we grew tired and depressed from the long hours and weeks. It seemed like LOTS of money was always flowing in to the office but there was still nothing, really to show for it... We struggled with our marriage, my step son was living with us, but we barely saw him unless it was at the office, I was pregnant with our second son and SO tired of the chaos that self employment brought. Payroll started cutting in to our own expenses and we played a lot of "money musical chairs" and robbing Peter to pay Paul, so to speak... We KNEW we wanted MORE...

My step-son turned 18 and moved on to seek his own fortune and our lives continued to struggle. After 10 years, unable to go any further we called it quits on the business... with no real plan in mind, we closed the doors and filed bankruptcy... financially and emotionally... That's when I learned I was pregnant with #3... I wanted more, but not necessarily more children....

With both of us out of work, Despite the nausea and exhaustion from pregnancy, I went to work as a substitute school teacher while my husband looked for full time employment. We had no choice... Our family of 4 1/2 was learning to live on less than $900 a month, with $550 of it going to pay the rent each month, I was at least grateful we were no longer going IN the hole with payroll and other business expenses... We went without a lot of the things that we had grown so used to having... cable, cell phones, credit cards, vacations, new clothes, eating out... You might think that I look back on that time as a time of dread that I wouldn't wish on anyone... But for me, it was a wonderful turning point... I think it's the time that instead of wanting "more" I began to realize how much I "had" already... It's the point in time where I realized the difference between "want" and "need"...

It was still another 8 years, and two children before we were able to crawl our way out of that hole and actually buy a home of our own, 21 years after we were married. Lots of frustrations and road blocks along the way... But here we are... Though I really don't want to go back to that time in our lives, I wouldn't change it for anything... It taught me life lessons that has made us stronger for it. You know how the saying goes, "that which doesn't kill you can only make you stronger"?... It really did! The lessons we learned about our lives, our life style, what's really important, all came in to focus during that time! Among other things, it made our marriage stronger. And THAT is priceless... Especially in this day and age of broken families... I am SO thankful for my marriage and family, despite the other "stuff" that we may or may not have...

Now, don't get me wrong... Everything hasn't been "peaches and roses" since that time... I still go through my struggles with "want" and "need"... but they seem fewer and further between, now... I remember seeing something when we were in our lowest time about "When you find out that God is all you have left, you figure out that God is all you need..." So true... I couldn't have come through without Him...

I remember these events now, contemplating the number of friends, family, acquaintances, etc., currently going through rough marriages... Some are struggling to stay together, some have already split, some speak of it as if there is no other option... It all breaks my heart... And there are lots of different reasons for the troubles. Some are pretty serious and not all are about money or finance... though money and finance is one of the BIGGEST reasons couples/families split up... But after 22 years and 5 children with my spouse I feel like we have gotten through some very stressful situations and I look back at our rougher areas with gratitude and the maturity that the years have brought.... I always seemed to be JUST where God wanted me to be... I have replaced "WANTING more", with realizing "HOW MUCH" we really already have and clinging to those blessings when the waters get rough, again... and they do, and they will... Squeeze your family tight.... and if you can't do that right now, then pray for them. Pray for healing in your own soul, mind and spirit, then pray the same for your family. Then offer your sufferings for other broken families. The numbers are epidemic...