Trusting in God's Plan

So it was apparent to me about 6 weeks ago that God's plan for our family wasn't quite as complete as I would have liked... I don't mean that to sound so terrible, but at 42, and my husband being 50, I really was quite content with our family of 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. A little over 2 years ago I sat at my surprise 40th birthday dinner next to one of my best girlfriends from highschool. We sat across from another good girlfriend from highschool that was carrying her 3rd child. Kristi, the one next to me laughed and said that she had dreamt a few nights earlier that I was pregnant again! Oh! how I LAUGHED!! That was SO funny! : ) No, I told her. My previous three kids had all been spaced 3 years apart, all by God's design. We had passed the "three year mark", and now I was 40, we were obviously done... "Not so" said God from His throne on high... I learned then, if you ever want to make God laugh, tell him your plans...

Now, I don't have a history of having the easiest of pregnancies. They can be quite scary, actually. At least the last month or so, due to my tendency to get toxemia and hyper tension. Child #4, my baby girl, sent me to the hospital with high blood pressure for several hours of observation a week before she was to be delivered via c-section. We made it through that last week fairly unscathed and brought home our beautiful, healthy baby girl. Okay, I told God... NOW we're done... : ) I was confident in insisting to my Doctor that I would continue to use NFP as my method of family planning, despite the risks, and against his preference.

So here I was. Less than 2 years later, once again experiencing the familiar waves of nausea throughout the day, coupled with the extreme tiredness that I just can't seem to shake. No... it can't be... I was still nursing my baby girl, for goodness sakes! Okay, I'm not THAT naive... I knew it could happen, but gosh! With 4 kids and our crazy schedules it's not like we've had a whole lot of time to be intimate in the past year!! I know, I know... it only takes ONE time... So, after I confirmed it with a home pregnancy test, there I sat, and cried... every moment I could find to be alone...

So many things go through your mind... another child... So often I feel like we can't take care of the four we already have! I feel so tired! Some days I feel SO old! So overwhelmed! Like I can't keep up! Our house is so small, and we're still trying to pay off our cars and other debt... And what about my health?! I have a husband and 4 children that need me! I can't afford to get sick or die! Lord! I am SO scared!! I don't know if I can do this again!! WHY do You have to have so much confidence in me?! It was another 3 weeks before I could tell my husband... It's not so much having another baby... I DO LOVE babies.... It's just all the other stuff, emotional, physical, financial, that comes along with it...

My prayers for the past several weeks have been to ask my Mother Mary to help me to TRUST in Her Son in all things... Trust that He has my best interest at heart. Trust that He knows what is best for me and our family. Trust that He will not leave my side and will provide what we need, regardless of what we think we want... and I pray DAILY for His Mercy. Jesus, grant me your MERCY, despite my mistrust, despite my weaknesses... Mercy, Lord Jesus.... I know You have a plan for my life. This new life within me wasn't MY plan, but Your plan, and I will keep my eyes on You in love and trust with my life. Like I tell my husband, we really don't know God's future plans for us. We really don't know what He has in mind for us down the road, as far as kids, family, jobs, etc., go.... All we can really do is entrust our lives to Him and know that He has a plan for all and will take care of us, his sheep...

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have Mercy on me! Immaculate Heart of Mary, love lead and guide me! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, we love you! Save Souls! Jesus, I trust in You!