My Doctor's office called me on Thursday afternoon to tell me that my "testing" results came back as having a possibility of having a Downs baby. I told her that I had already been informed by my doctor when I saw him last week. She was very nice, but said she was calling to follow up and to see if I was interested in making an appointment to have "genetic counseling". The reason being that I could meet with a counselor and we could look more closely in to our (my husband and my) gene pools and determine if our "numbers" looked any "better" for the baby from that perspective....
I thanked her for the offer, but declined, as it wasn't really going to make a difference as to whether or not we had the baby. That we were sure that whatever the outcome, all of this was in God's control, anyway, and we would accept His will for our lives. But as I hung up the phone, it just, quite honestly, stuck with me... I don't know if they consciously realize how much these sorts of conversations can affect a mother to be... I mean, really... As much as I hate to admit it, it really has freaked me out a bit...
In my four previous pregnancies I have never had this type of testing before, that I know of... So I don't know if my "numbers" would have shown the same for any of them, or not, and I have 4, fairly healthy children... but now, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "what if?..." I mean, I know, because of my age that I was already at a higher risk... but it's not like I was going to... I don't know if I should say "worry" or "stress" but, maybe "think" about it so much.... But it does seem to have put a bit of weight on my mind that I wish wasn't there... Had I never been told, the thoughts probably would not weigh so heavily... I mean, after all, my chances of having a normal, healthy baby are still greater than not...
I thanked her for the offer, but declined, as it wasn't really going to make a difference as to whether or not we had the baby. That we were sure that whatever the outcome, all of this was in God's control, anyway, and we would accept His will for our lives. But as I hung up the phone, it just, quite honestly, stuck with me... I don't know if they consciously realize how much these sorts of conversations can affect a mother to be... I mean, really... As much as I hate to admit it, it really has freaked me out a bit...
In my four previous pregnancies I have never had this type of testing before, that I know of... So I don't know if my "numbers" would have shown the same for any of them, or not, and I have 4, fairly healthy children... but now, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "what if?..." I mean, I know, because of my age that I was already at a higher risk... but it's not like I was going to... I don't know if I should say "worry" or "stress" but, maybe "think" about it so much.... But it does seem to have put a bit of weight on my mind that I wish wasn't there... Had I never been told, the thoughts probably would not weigh so heavily... I mean, after all, my chances of having a normal, healthy baby are still greater than not...
Some days I already feel so overwhelmed, and tired and like I just don't know how much more I can handle... What if I have a special needs baby?... What if I have a baby that will demand, by no fault of its own, more of my time and attention and possibly more money for medical needs?.... We have known and both worked with special needs children in our jobs (hubby and I). And we have alwasy been so moved and impressed at how families work together for the good of the child and how a special needs child can so often bring unexpected love and benefits to a family that were never expected... But, how will this affect the rest of my kids? My marriage? I know it's all in God's hands... In my mind I KNOW this... I really do... but I am human, and I am weak... Only in Christ am I strong...
Thank God for Fr. John... He really was the voice of Christ for me, today... I was blessed in going to confession this morning. We actually went to another parish first, but confessions had been cancelled because they were having first communion mass for a group of kids... So we ended up at our regular parish with Fr. John a couple of hours later. A permanent deacon for over 25 years, a biological father of 12 children of his own, a widower and now ordained priest for the past 5 years... I normally go to confession "in the box" because I have found it to be less "distracting" and able to focus, but for reasons not in my control, I had to go face to face. Fr. John greeted me warmly and I sat before him, closed my eyes and bowed my head. I told him that it had been WAY too long since my last confession and gave my list.... including my lack of trust and fear for the health of my baby within... Good ole Fr. John, father of 12, husband for many years, knew EXACTLY where I was coming from... he knew EXACTLY what to say to me... He told me that he and his beloved wife had been where I was at and they knew... That was enough to ease my mind... He told me that in the midst of my daily jobs to take time to remember the Holy Family, and to pray... when I feel overwhelmed and like no one is helping me or even noticing then, instead of dwelling on "where are they?" "why aren't they here, helping?" to ask God when I'm doing the dishes, "Lord, make my soul as clean as this dish..." when doing the laundry, "Lord, refresh my soul as these clothes..." yup... as simple as it was, it was what I needed to hear...
So, after making my act of contrition and Fr. giving me my penance and then placing his wise and shaking hands on my head for absolution, I wiped my tears and managed a smile, thanking him. But before I left he asked if I would mind if he touched my stomach.... The tears welled up again, as I nodded "yes" and he placed his hand on my belly and gave me and the baby another blessing.... I guess that's all the "counseling" I need, for now.... : )
Thank God for Fr. John... He really was the voice of Christ for me, today... I was blessed in going to confession this morning. We actually went to another parish first, but confessions had been cancelled because they were having first communion mass for a group of kids... So we ended up at our regular parish with Fr. John a couple of hours later. A permanent deacon for over 25 years, a biological father of 12 children of his own, a widower and now ordained priest for the past 5 years... I normally go to confession "in the box" because I have found it to be less "distracting" and able to focus, but for reasons not in my control, I had to go face to face. Fr. John greeted me warmly and I sat before him, closed my eyes and bowed my head. I told him that it had been WAY too long since my last confession and gave my list.... including my lack of trust and fear for the health of my baby within... Good ole Fr. John, father of 12, husband for many years, knew EXACTLY where I was coming from... he knew EXACTLY what to say to me... He told me that he and his beloved wife had been where I was at and they knew... That was enough to ease my mind... He told me that in the midst of my daily jobs to take time to remember the Holy Family, and to pray... when I feel overwhelmed and like no one is helping me or even noticing then, instead of dwelling on "where are they?" "why aren't they here, helping?" to ask God when I'm doing the dishes, "Lord, make my soul as clean as this dish..." when doing the laundry, "Lord, refresh my soul as these clothes..." yup... as simple as it was, it was what I needed to hear...
So, after making my act of contrition and Fr. giving me my penance and then placing his wise and shaking hands on my head for absolution, I wiped my tears and managed a smile, thanking him. But before I left he asked if I would mind if he touched my stomach.... The tears welled up again, as I nodded "yes" and he placed his hand on my belly and gave me and the baby another blessing.... I guess that's all the "counseling" I need, for now.... : )
4 comments:
What a touching story. The ending is beautiful with the Fr. blessing you and your baby.
God bless you and your family. Keep the faith and God will do the rest.
"Sufficient for the day are the graces thereof", Lee.
One Day at a Time.
God bless!
I am the mother of a darling little six year old daughter with Down syndrome,and I will be praying for you. Remember, God will walk you through this.
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